Wednesday, April 27, 2011

Football News from the Future: Balotelli crashes royal wedding

I've kept it a secret (until now), but I recently built a time machine that allows us to intercept football related news reports from the future. Why only football news and not things that are actually important? Stop asking questions and take a glimpse at what the future holds.

The Royal Family was left stunned on Friday when professional footballer Mario Balotelli invaded the reception at Buckingham Palace following Prince William's nuptials to Kate Middleton. Camilla, Duchess of Cornwall was treated for shock and Several high-ranking officials have already been sacked for letting Balotelli and his stunning behavior spoil an otherwise dazzling event.

When asked by the Queen herself why he would arrive uninvited, the Manchester City footballer responded, "Because I can." He then threw darts at her, prompting Royal Guards to ask him to stop. He didn't.

Balotelli, who had numerous swear words carved into his hair and wore an equally offensive T-shirt with jean shorts (otherwise known as "jorts"), appeared out of nowhere midway through the reception. He and a man he introduced as his brother attacked the canapes with complete disregard for invited guests who had not yet eaten. He then spit the half-chewed Royal morsels on the floor, loudly declaring them to be not to his liking. It is understood that this caused David Beckham to recoil in horror.

Prince William valiantly attempted to defuse the situation by asking the men to leave, but the Italian international laughed in his face and made him self-conscious about his hair. Balotelli then pulled out a wad of cash and shoved it into William's trousers, stating that it was "�100 less than I gave a homeless guy last night."

Balotelli was finally subdued and removed from the premises when a quick-thinking Royal Guard threw a bib over his head before telling guests to stand back. The 20-year-old struggled to put it on and eventually passed out.

When reached for comment, Manchester City manager Roberto Mancini shouted "MARIOOOOOOO!" and shook his fist in the air for several minutes in an exaggerated manner.

Photo: AP

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