This isn't Waggy, just one of many other incredibly depressed Bolton fans.
As we mentioned last Friday, 50-year-old Bolton fan Ian "Waggy" Wagstaff quit his job as a sheet metal worker in Australia and paid �1,000 on flights and tickets to attend Bolton's FA Cup semifinal match against Stoke at Wembley. That decision didn't work out so great for poor Waggy, though, and Stoke ended up stomping an uncharacteristically hapless Bolton side by a score of 5-0. Given that, it's probably safe to say that Waggy is having a pretty awful Monday. So here five positives ways Waggy can look at all this, assuming he hasn't already plunged into a sadness coma.
1) At least it wasn't 10-0. See, it could have been much worse. When you think that it could have been a 10-0 final score, 5-0 is only half as bad as that. Of course, the only reason it didn't get that out of control might have been that Stoke felt bad for your team and decided to go easy on them. So, that might actually be worse.
2) It didn't rain. What's worse than quitting your job and paying �1,000 to watch your team lose 5-0? Quitting your job and paying �1,000 to watch your team lose 5-0 while getting drenched. Of course, the weather back in Australia was probably much nicer, as it usually is.
3) You're a 50-year-old man. Now you can go crazy and have a mid-life crisis without having a boss to threaten to fire you if you don't shape up. Of course, it will be hard to buy to a sports car and fancy haircut when you have no income, but maybe if you sit outside the car dealership looking unfathomably sad (which shouldn't be too hard right now), they'll just give you a new ride for free? Or they'll have you arrested. But hey -- you don't have to pay rent in jail!
4) Hmm. Let's, uh, let's skip ahead...
5) If Bolton ever get bought by a foreign billionaire, start winning loads of trophies and attracting glory hunters from all corners of the earth, the laws of football fandom will require them all to be your slaves. "Oh, you like the club because we started winning everything? Well in 2011, I quit my job, paid��1,000 that I had no business parting with and traveled all the way from Australia to watch Bolton lose 5-0 to Stoke -- yes, Stoke -- at Wembley. Now make me a sandwich and go find me a job." Of course, the chances of Bolton getting bought by a foreign billionare probably aren't very high.
I hope these ways of looking at this dire, nightmarish situation help you, Waggy. Godspeed. And remember that most squirrel meat is probably diseased.
Photo: Getty Images
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