A reenactment.
Following Manchester United's 1-0 loss to Man City in their FA Cup semifinal match on Saturday, someone damaged a wall in the Man United dressing room. Reports claim it was the result of a kick and a Man United spokesman says it was just surface damage and not a full-on hole in the wall. Though the FA has said they will not take action against the club, and Man United fitness coach Tony Strudwick has been named as the prime suspect, we may never know for sure who is responsible for the damage. The following is a transcript of what we imagine took place.
Ferdinand: Mario Balotelli is the devil! He is literally the devil!
Anderson: I concur with that statement!
Ferguson: Shut it -- there's no reason to get upset about this nonsense. We've still got the league and a European cup to play for. Now which one of you did this to the wall?
[Silence]
Ferguson: Come on then, out with it. Wayne, did you do this?
Rooney: What? No. My body won't stop shaking. I think I drank too many Red Bulls during the match. F***ing what! This is scary.
Ferguson: How many did you have?
Rooney: 172.
Ferguson: Right. Scholes, was it you? You were back here before anyone else after you got sent off. Did you do this to the wall?
Scholes: No way, boss. I kick people, not walls. I bet it was Tony Strudwick.
Ferguson: Couldn't have been. You're standing on top of him and he appears to have a massive head wound, Paul.
Scholes: Oh wow, you're right.
Ferdinand: You know what I think? I bet Balotelli did it. He's the devil. Everything is always his fault.
Anderson: I concur with that statement!
Ferguson: Don't be silly. Couldn't have been him.
Giggs: Are you sure it wasn't you, boss?
Ferguson: What did you say, old Gareth Bale?
Giggs: Nothing.
Ferguson: Right. Well, I guess we'll never know who did it.
Ferdinand: It was Balotelli! I'm telling you! Everything is always his fault!
Anderson: I concur with that statement!
Ferguson: Shut up! The both of you. It couldn't have been Balotelli, so stop with that.
[Mario Balotelli wanders into the Man United dressing room]
Ferdinand: There he is! Hey, Balotelli -- did you damage the wall over here, you freaking egg?
Balotelli: Yup.
Ferdinand: I knew it! I told you!
Ferguson: Why would you do that, son?
Balotelli: Pfft. I dunno. Because you ugly.
[Balotelli hits Edwin van der Sar in the eye with a dart, runs away laughing]
Ferdinand: The devil.
Anderson: I concur with that statement.
Julie Berry Lori Heuring Nicole Scherzinger Jill Arrington Tami Donaldson
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