Well hello there.
I see you've caught me stretching my Berba-business. This is by far the most important aspect of any footballer's training, which is why I spend at least seven to 10 hours a day exercising just this area alone. Ha-HA! ... No, I will not change my position so I'm not talking to you from in between my legs. I know it's exciting you, but this is why I'm doing it. Ha-HA!
Groin injuries can happen at any time, you know. Even when your groin is as thoroughly exercised impossibly erotic as mine. In fact, I let Sir Alex decide to play Chicharito a.k.a. Little Berba instead of me against Everton so I wouldn't risk injury to the most precious groin on the team. Of course, Little Berba went on to score the winning goal in that match all because of tips I've given him about personal grooming, developing a tolerance for mace and how to apply mayonnaise to yourself in the most advantageous way possible. ... No, he did not score the winning goal because he is so supremely talented that he's pushed the league's leading scorer to the bench. It was because of those things I just said. ... What do you mean I'm the one who should be called Little Berba?
Oh-OHHH! I think I just injured my groin! Oh, this is a degree of pain that I haven't experienced in at least 17 hours! Oh, it's almost as bad as the thought of my protege eclipsing my talents on the pitch! Now I won't be able to score goal after goal in Manchester United's Champions League match against Schalke on the off chance that I would've played! Oh, please, before I black out and allow you to do whatever sensual things you want to do to me, rub this coco butter I happen to have all over my groinal region. Please. It's the only erotic remedy.
Oh-OHHH! I didn't tell you to squirt it all in my eyes! Oh, now -- in addition to my quickly fading groin pain -- I am temporarily blinded by this highly toxic coco butter! Oh, I can only hope that this increases the chances of a sexy outcome here.
Join us again next time for another chapter in the life of...The Continental...
Photo: Getty Images
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