Landon Donovan?s Gold Cup Adventure of Epic Broportions

With the Gold Cup and the U.S.'s crushing 4-2 loss to Mexico in the final now over, so too is Landon Donovan's latest adventure. The following is Landon's final Gold Cup correspondence with his friends and family back home.

Ahhhhhh duuuuuuude,

Ef, bro.

That was roughski. First and forebrost I want to apologize to the people of the United States of America. Contrary to the final score line and the total amount of fans we had in the stadium as compared to Mexico, we're better than that. And you deserve more. You don't deserve to spend all day crushing Keystone Preams poolside getting fired up for the game and then watch us blow a lead like that. You don't deserve to wear an American flag bandanna to the bar and have L-Deezy only put one little baby g-note in the back of the twine box when a trophy is on the line. And you don't deserve to have the biggest bros in your country let you down. Everyone knows bros are the spine of any nation. Take George Washington for example... biggest vertebrah ever.

The match obviously got off to a pretty lush start. Baby Bradley used his bald domeski to redirect a Fred Adu corner kick early and it was like a classic Bradenton Academy fraturday. So you know what I had to do. Got a little pass took some touches and finished... with the left. I'm running everywhere, feeling like I'm just broasting on an ill-matic shred-board. 2-0, you think it's all good right? Wrong. It felt like an evil reincarnation of my rum and stoke induced blackout at my sister's wedding. Only this time I got mugged in the ally and fondled by someone's great aunt instead of laying my mack on every babe on the dance floor. The only thing that brought me back to consciousness was when Gio Bros Santos hosted a personal dangle fiesta on the roof of my defenders proverbial condo. Let's be real. Timmy Howard got merked. As did the entire backline. That was one of the dankest goals I have ever seen. The finish was plain crispy. He put the pelota right in the only spot open on the shelf. I've watched the Youtube video like a hundred times already. I don't know what else one can say about it.

So we go home without the bling. It happens sometimes. It's still in my destiny to win the World Cup I'm pretty sure. So that should be sweet. And I'm not worried about missing out on the Confed Cup. I'm definitely trying to get to carnival the year before anyways, so I'll definitely be used to what's going down in Brazil. Plus it's not in Europe. It's no secret that a World Cup without thousands of Euro-bronis mulling around can only help LD.

Peace out. One love.

Eliza Dushku Bonnie Jill Laflin Joanna Krupa Ashley Olsen Danneel Harris