AAAAHHHHHHHH I AM ARTUR BORUC AND THIS IS A LIST OF THINGS THAT MADE ME ANGRY THIS WEEK:
1. MY OLD CELTIC SHIRT -- MY WASHER AND DRYER ARE BROKEN SO THIS IS THE ONLY CLEAN SHIRT I HAD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH IT TURNS OUT THAT THESE MACHINES ARE NOT BUILT TO WITHSTAND A GROWN MAN FIGHTING A RACCOON INSIDE THEM WHILE THEY WASH HIS CLOTHES!!!!!!!!!!!!! THE MANUAL DID NOT WARN ME OF THIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
2. PIQUE WITH AN AK-47 -- THOSE THINGS ARE DANGEROUS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! FOOTBALLERS SHOULDN'T SHOOT AK-47S!!!!!!!!!!!!! TRUST ME!!!!!!!!!!!!! THE FIRST TIME I DID IT I ENDED UP SHOOTING MYSELF 37 TIMES BECAUSE I WAS HOLDING IT THE WRONG WAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I DID IT AGAIN SEVERAL TIMES AFTER THAT BUT ONLY BECAUSE I LIKED THE WAY IT FELT!!!!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHH DON'T JUDGE ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
3. DAVID BECKHAM'S OLYMPICO GOAL -- THIS IS THE STUFF OF NIGHTMARES!!!!!!!!!! NIGHTMARES!!!!!!!! AND NOT THE GOOD KIND WHERE YOU GET HIT BY A CAR OR SINK WITH THE TITANIC!!!!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHH IT'S A GOOD THING I NEVER LET MYSELF FALL ASLEEP!!!!!!!!!!
4. CORN -- ONE OF MY FRIENDS THOUGHT IT WOULD BE FUNNY TO SNEAK CORN INTO MY SALAD AND NOT TELL ME UNTIL AFTER I ATE IT!!!!!!!! THIS WAS NOT FUNNY!!!!!!!!!! I HAD TO DRINK EIGHT BOTTLES OF RUBBING ALCOHOL JUST TO KILL IT INSIDE ME AND BECAUSE I LIKE THE TASTE OF RUBBING ALCOHOL!!!!!!!!!!!! NEEDLESS TO SAY I AM NO LONGER FRIENDS WITH THIS PERSON AND I HEADBUTTED THEIR GARAGE SEVERAL TIMES BEFORE LEAVING FOREVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
5. FRANCK RIBERY AS A DJ -- AHHHHHHHHHHHH NEEDS MORE TAYLOR SWIFT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
6. WEDDING AT THE CAMP NOU -- I WOULD NEVER GET MARRIED AT A FOOTBALL GROUND!!!!!!!!! NEVER!!!!!!!!!!!! THE ONLY ROMANTIC PLACE TO GET MARRIED IS INSIDE AN OLD CHURCH OR AT A DOMINO'S PIZZA RESTAURANT!!!!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHH I LIKE TO EAT PIZZA WHILE LISTENING TO PRIESTS TALK!!!!!!!!!!!!!
7. GOKHAN INLER UNVEILED IN A LION MASK -- I WANTED TO WEAR AN ACTUAL LION HEAD WHEN FIORENTINA UNVEILED ME LAST SUMMER BUT THEY SAID THAT VIOLATED SEVERAL LAWS!!!!!!!!!! SO I WORE IT TO A CHILDREN'S HOSPITAL INSTEAD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
8. SAN JOSE'S GOALKEEPER SCORING FROM HIS OWN BOX -- THIS IS BOTH AWESOME AND HORRIBLE ALL AT THE SAME TIME!!!!!!!!!!! I CAN'T DECIDE IF I FEEL BETTER FOR MY GOALKEEPING BROTHER WHO SCORED OR WORSE FOR MY GOALKEEPING BROTHER WHO GOT SCORED ON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHH NOW MY EYES ARE BLEEDING!!!!!!!!!!!!!
9. MY IDIOT NEIGHBOR DAN WYKOWKSKI -- SINCE I JUST WENT ON TRIP TO ZURICH WITH MY IDIOT NEIGHBOR DAN WYKOWKSI AND HIS TWO GOOBER KIDS I WANTED TO AVOID THEM UNTIL I NO LONGER FELT THE URGE TO TO MELT THEM INTO NACHO CHEESE!!!!!!!!!!! WHICH WILL NEVER HAPPEN!!!!!!!!!!!!!! SO I WAS MINDING MY OWN BUSINESS AND SCREAMING AT MY GARDEN TO START GROWING FASTER WHEN ONE OF THE GOOBER KIDS CAME OVER AND ASKED ME IF I WOULD LIKE TO JOIN THEM FOR A BARBEQUE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I REALLY DIDN'T WANT TO SO I SAID "THAT SOUNDS DELIGHTFUL!!!!!!!!!" EXCEPT I SAID IT IN A WAY SO SHE WOULD KNOW THAT I WAS ONLY GOING BECAUSE I LIKE PUTTING MY FACE ON THE GRILL AND GETTING THOSE BLACK GRILL MARKS ON IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ANYWAY EVERYONE LAUGHED AT MY JOKES ALL NIGHT AND THE FOOD WAS DELICIOUS SO IT WASN'T THAT BAD!!!!!!!!!!!!
I AM ARTUR BORUC AND THIS HAS BEEN MY RAGE LIST. SEE YOU NEXT WEEK! GOD BLESS!!!!!!
Photo: Getty
Sienna Miller Cindy Taylor Halle Berry Catherine Bell Tessie Santiago
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