AHHHHHHHH I AM ARTUR BORUC AND THIS IS A LIST OF THINGS THAT MADE ME ANGRY THIS WEEK:
1. MAYONNAISE IN MY GLOVE -- SOMEONE PUT MAYONNAISE IN MY GLOVE AND IT FEELS DISGUSTING!!!!!!!!!!!! WHO WOULD DO SOMETHING LIKE THIS?!?!?!??!?! WHAT KIND OF SICK AND TWISTED PERSON WOULD THINK TO PUT A SANDWICH SPREAD INSIDE A GLOVE?!?!?!??!?!! AHHHHHHHHHHH I FEEL LIKE I WILL NEVER BE CLEAN AGAIN!!!!!!!!!
2. ASHLEY COLE SHOOTING AN INTERN WITH AN AIR RIFLE -- WHAT IS THE BIG DEAL ABOUT THIS?!?!?!??!! AN AIR RIFLE CAN'T EVEN TURN A HUMAN LIMB INTO UNRECOGNIZABLE MUSH!!!!!!!!!!! I ONCE SHOT A WATERMELON WITH A GRENADE LAUNCHER AT TRAINING AND NO ONE SAID A WORD!!!!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHH IT WAS PROBABLY BECAUSE THEY ALL RAN AWAY WHEN THEY SAW I WAS CHUGGING PAINT THINNER AND POINTING A GRENADE LAUNCHER AT THEM!!!!!!!!
3. SPORTSMANSHIP BRAWL -- GOOD SPORTSMANSHIP IS A VITAL PART OF THE GAME!!!!!!!! ANYONE WHO VIOLATES THE UNWRITTEN RULES OF GENTLEMANLY COMPETITION WILL FACE THE WRATH OF MY HEADBUTTS!!!!!!!!!!! I WILL HEADBUTT THEM UNTIL THEY REALIZE THE IMPORTANCE OF BEING A REASONABLE HUMAN BEING!!!!!!!!
4. CORN -- I HAD A PREMONITION THE OTHER DAY ABOUT CORN FULFILLING ITS GOALS OF TAKING OVER THE WORLD AND GIVING ALL THE HANDICAPPED PARKING SPACES FOR DISABLED HUMANS TO VEGETABLES!!!!!!!!!! IT WAS AWFUL!!!!!!!!!!!! BUT THEN I REALIZED I MIGHT BE THE NEW GHOST WHISPERER SO I JUMPED OUT OF A THIRD FLOOR WINDOW!!!!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHH I DON'T REMEMBER WHAT HAPPENED AFTER THAT!!!!!!!!!!!
5. DAVID BECKHAM'S JESUS TATTOO -- THIS IS AWFUL!!!!!!!!! JESUS WAS NEVER HELPED OUT OF A COFFIN BY CHERUBS THAT REPRESENT DAVID BECKHAM'S SONS!!!!!!!!!!! HE WOULD HAVE PUNCHED THEM ALL IN THE FACE AND USED THEIR WINGS TO MAKE A DELICIOUS SMOOTHIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHH MORE PEOPLE REALLY NEED TO READ MY TRANSLATION OF THE BIBLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
6. RONALDINHO'S ED HARDY PHOTOSHOOT -- OHMYGOD THIS IS SO AWESOME!!!!!!!!!! WHY COULDN'T I DO THIS?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!? I CAN APPROVE DESIGNS OF INTENSELY UGLY SHIRTS AND HATS WITH MY NAME ON IT TOO!!!!!!!! JUST GIVE ME THE GOLD BALL ALL THOSE SHOTGUNS AND THE KEYS TO THAT HELICOPTER AND I WILL TAKE CARE OF THE REST!!!!!!!!! AND BY THAT I MEAN I WILL MAKE THE GRAND THEFT AUTO VIDEO GAMES LOOK UNDERWHELMING AND MUNDANE!!!!!!!!!!!
7. SAMUEL ETO'O TRYING TO GET OUT OF A PARKING TICKET -- CLEARLY THIS OFFICER IS WORKING FOR THE CORN!!!!!!! RUN SAMUEL!!!!!!!! RUN BEFORE SHE WARPS YOUR MIND WITH THE COBBY MAGIC!!!!!!!!!!!
8. THE REF WHO ISSUED 36 RED CARDS -- WHAT A BABY!!!!!!!!!! AND NOT THE DANGEROUS KIND WITH RABIES AND THE ABILITY TO PROJECTILE VOMIT ACROS THE ROOM!!!!!!!!! IF NO ONE DIES OR BLOWS UP A WATERMELON WITH A GRENADE LAUNCHER WHILE DRUNK ON PAINT THINNER THEN THERE IS NO NEED TO SHOW 36 RED CARDS!!!!!!!!!!!!! BUT NOW I HAVE A NEW CAREER GOAL SO THANK YOU FOR THAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
9. MY IDIOT NEIGHBOR DAN WYKOWSKI -- SO I WAS WATCHING THE OSCARS WHILE DEVELOPING A NEW DANCE THAT INVOLVES UNHINGING YOUR JAW AND SMASHING A WINE GLASS WITH YOUR FOREHEAD WHEN MY IDIOT NEIGHBOR DAN WYKOWSKI CAME OVER WITH HIS GOOBER KIDS AND ASKED IF THEY COULD WATCH THE SHOW WITH ME!!!!!!!! I SAID "SURE DAN THAT WOULD BE LOVELY!!!!!!!!!" BUT I SAID IT IN A WAY SO THEY WOULD KNOW THAT I WOULD RATHER WRAP MYSELF IN USED TOILET PAPER THAN WATCH ANYTHING WITH THEM!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AFTER WHAT FELT LIKE 80 MILLION HOURS THE SHOW FINALLY ENDED AND WHEN I CELEBRATED BY DEMONSTRATING MY NEW DANCE MOVE DAN AND HIS GOOBER KIDS LAUGHED AT ME LIKE I WAS EDDIE MURPHY IN THE FILM NORBIT!!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHH I HOPE THE WYKOWSKIS GET ROBBED BY A DRUG ADDICT NAMED OSCAR INSTEAD OF EVER WINNING THE AWARD!!!!!!!!!!
I AM ARTUR BORUC AND THIS HAS BEEN MY RAGE LIST. SEE YOU NEXT WEEK! GOD BLESS!!!!!!
Photo: Getty Images
Sarah Silverman Larissa Meek Gina Carano Sanaa Lathan Ana Beatriz Barros
No comments:
Post a Comment