AHHHHHHHH I AM ARTUR BORUC AND THIS IS A LIST OF THINGS THAT MADE ME ANGRY THIS WEEK:
1. TOTTI'S 200TH AND 201ST SERIE A GOALS -- WHY DID THEY HAVE TO COME AGAINST ME?!?!?!?!?! WHAT DID I EVER DO TO DESERVE THIS?!?!?!??!?!!? I DID TELL HIM BEFORE THE MATCH THAT I SAW HIS THUMBSUCKING CELEBRATION AS A SIGN OF WEAKNESS AND THAT I WOULD BLOCK HIS SHOTS WITH THE POWER OF A METH CRAZED LION BUT THAT IS NOT A REASON TO CAUSE ME THIS KIND OF EMBARRASSMENT!!!!!!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH STOP LOOKING AT ME!!!!!!!!
2. VITALY NEDILKO KNEEING LUIZ ADRIANO IN THE HEAD -- HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO SAY IT?!?!?!?!? VIOLENCE IS NEVER THE ANSWER!!!!!!!!!!! THIS WAS STILL A PRETTY SWEET KNEE TO THE HEAD THOUGH!!!!!!!!!!!
3. GETTING POKED IN THE EYE DURING A GOAL CELEBRATION -- AHHHHHHHH THERE ARE TWO THINGS THAT I DON'T LIKE ABOUT THIS: ONE THAT IT DOESN'T HAPPEN MORE OFTEN!!!!!!!! THIS IS WHAT YOU DESERVE FOR SCORING A GOAL!!!!!!! ESPECIALLY IF IT'S YOUR 200TH IN SERIE A AND IT'S AGAINST ME!!!!!!! AND TWO THAT THIS GUY NEEDED A STRETCHER FOR GETTING POKED IN THE EYE!!!!!!!! I ONCE HAD AN EYEBALL SHOOT OUT OF MY HEAD LIKE A BOTTLE ROCKET AND I WAS STILL ABLE TO WALK OFF ON MY OWN POWER!!!!!!! AS A SIDE NOTE YOU SHOULD NEVER STICK A BOTTLE ROCKET IN YOUR EYE!!!!!! THERE ARE CONSEQUENCES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! TRUST ME!!!!!!!!!!!
4. CORN -- I WAS BEING INTERVIEWED THE OTHER DAY AND THE JOURNALIST ASKED ME WHICH FOODS I DON'T LIKE!!!!!!!!!! I SAID CORN AND THEN I DID A BACKFLIP AND JUMPED OUT OF THE WINDOW!!!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHH WE WERE ONLY ON THE FIRST FLOOR SO IT WASN'T AS IMPRESSIVE AS I HOPED IT WOULD BE!!!!!!!!!!!!
5. MICHAEL BALLACK HAVING TO APOLOGIZE FOR YELLING OBSCENITIES ABOUT COLOGNE -- HE SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF HIMSELF!!!!!!!! NOT SO MUCH FOR WHAT HE SAID BECAUSE I DO THAT ALL THE TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! HE SHOULD BE ASHAMED BECAUSE HE USED A MEGAPHONE TO DO IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THOSE THINGS ARE POINTLESS!!!!!!!!! ONE TIME I TRIED TO USE ONE AND IT EXPLODED THE SECOND I STARTED SCREAMING!!!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH IT COULDN'T HANDLE MY TEENAGE GIRL-LIKE VOCAL CHORDS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
6. THE RUSSIAN FAN WHO SHOWED ROBERTO CARLOS A RACIST BANANA -- CLEARLY THESE YELLOW BANANAS ARE IN LEAGUE WITH THE YELLOW CORN!!!!!!!! THEY'RE TRYING TO MAKE PEOPLE HATE EACH OTHER SO THEY CAN DIVIDE AND CONQUER US!!!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH I HATE THE CORN SO MUCH!!!!!!!!!!
7. DOG ON THE PITCH -- I'VE ALWAYS THOUGHT THAT FOOTBALL WOULD BE BETTER IF WE HAD VICIOUS DOGS CHASING THE PLAYERS AROUND THE PITCH BUT THIS IS AN ABOMINATION!!!!!!!!!!!! AN ABOMINATION!!!!!!!!!!! PETTING AND TICKLING THE DOGS IS NOT WHAT I DREAMED OF!!!!!!!!!! YOU'VE RUINED MY DREAMS WITH YOUR CUDDLY CUTENESS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHH MAYBE WE SHOULD USE PIRANHAS INSTEAD!!!!!!!!!!
8. LITTLE KID WHO PUNCHES HIS OPPONENT -- I WANT TO ADOPT THIS KID!!!!!!! AS LONG AS HE PROMISES NOT TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE OUTSIDE OF THE ELECTRIFIED STEEL WRESTLING CAGE I HAVE IN MY LIVING ROOM!!!!!!!!!! IT'S A GREAT CONVERSATION PIECE!!!!!!!!!!!!!
9. MY IDIOT NEIGHBOR DAN WYKOWSKI -- SO I'M STILL STUCK TAKING CARE OF MY IDIOT NEIGHBRO DAN WYKOWSKI'S TWO GOOBER KIDS WHILE HE'S BACK IN GLASGOW TRYING TO RECONCILE WITH HIS DEMONIC EX-WIFE!!!!!!!!!!!!! I RAN OUT OF BOARD GAMES TO PLAY WITH THESE TWO LITTLE CHUPACABRAS LAST WEEK SO THIS WEEK I'VE HAD TO GET MORE CREATIVE!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WE PLAYED KARAOKE UNTIL I TRIED TO HIT A HIGH NOTE ON A TAYLOR SWIFT SONG AND IT EXPLODED SO THEN I ASKED THEM WHAT THEY WANTED TO DO!!!!!!!!!!! THEY SAID THEY WANTED TO GIVE ME A MAKEOVER!!!!!!!!!!! I TOLD THEM THAT SOUNDED LIKE A GREAT IDEA BUT I SAID IT IN A WAY SO THEY WOULD KNOW THAT IF THEY MADE ME LOOK UGLY MY SELF-CONFIDENCE WOULD NEVER RECOVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! SO THEY DID THEIR MAKEOVER AND TWO HOURS LATER I LOOKED AMAZING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHH I NEVER KNEW THAT DRAWING SMILEY FACES ON YOUR FACE AND PUTTING SPARKLE STICKERS IN YOUR HAIR COULD BE SUCH A GOOD LOOK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I HOPE DAN GETS DECAPITATED AND NEVER COMES HOME!!!!!!!!!!
I AM ARTUR BORUC AND THIS HAS BEEN MY RAGE LIST. SEE YOU NEXT WEEK! GOD BLESS!!!!!!
Photo: Getty Images
Tina Fey Gina Philips Jamie Gunns Ananda Lewis Kate Bosworth
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