Sepp Blatter announced his new corruption fighting panel, dubbed the "council of wisdom," will include the odd mix of football legend Johan Cruyff, 88-year-old former U.S. Secretary of State Henry Kissinger and 70-year-old opera singer Placido Domingo. The following is a transcript of their first meeting.
Blatter: I want to thank you for convening here, gentlemen. I'm sure your great minds will quickly eradicate all wrongdoing from FIFA. Even though there is no wrongdoing in FIFA. So, I would like you to talk amongst yourselves and share your wisdom. Johan, you begin.
Cruyff: We should require all teams to play like Barcelona. If they don't? We kill them.
Domingo: I once saw Pavarotti eat a live chicken. He said he couldn't wait for it to be cooked.
Kissinger: (sleeps)
Blatter: I appreciate all of these things, gentlemen. But you must focus your great wisdom on the problems facing FIFA. Namely, how can we stop people from accusing FIFA of corruption?
Cruyff: We will shame them and compare them to Jose Mourinho's "anti-football"!
Domingo: I sing.
Kissinger: (sleeps)
Blatter: That's an excellent idea, Johan. But I feel the wisdom still is not flowing through this council with the electricity that I anticipated. Perhaps we should add another member. Someone who is known for solving disputes and having unintentional connections to organized crime...
[Mario Balotelli enters, throws at a dart at an intern]
Blatter: Ah, Mario! Just the man I wanted to see. Please, share your wisdom with the council...of wisdom.
Balotelli: That one guy is asleep. Don't bully people. Here's �1,000.
[Balotelli slaps Domingo in the face with a stack of cash, speeds off in his Maserati]
Blatter: Well. That accomplished all I hoped and more. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go to stare at the presidential ballot and laugh.
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