Artur Boruc’s Friday Rage List

AAAAHHHHHHHH I AM ARTUR BORUC AND THIS IS A LIST OF THINGS THAT MADE ME ANGRY THIS WEEK:

1. ANOTHER STARING CONTEST -- I'M CHALLENGING YOU TO ANOTHER STARING CONTEST!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! IF I WIN I GET TO HEADBUTT YOU WHILE YOU SLEEP!!!!!!!!! IF YOU WIN YOU GET A PIECE OF CANDY THAT I STOLE FROM A RABID MONKEY!!!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHH THIS IS A WIN-WIN SITUATION FOR YOU!!!!!!!!!!

2. MANUEL NEUER GETTING SLAPPED -- OHMYGOD THIS IS AN ABOMINATION!!!!!!!!!!! IF A FAN EVER DARED TO SLAP ME I WOULD PROBABLY MELT FROM THE COMBINED FORCE OF MY VIOLENT FURY AND MY INDECISION OVER HOW BEST TO EXACT REVENGE!!!!!!!!! AND THEN I WOULD HURL MY MELTED BODY AT THEM IN ORDER TO STAIN THEIR SHIRT!!!!!!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHH NOTHING CAN GET ARTUR STAINS OUT!!!!!!!!!!!!

3. 30,000 GENOA FANS HOLDING A FUNERAL FOR SAMPDORIA -- THERE WERE NOT NEARLY ENOUGH EXPLOSIONS OR MONKEYS WITH NUN-CHUCKS FOR THIS BE A REALISTIC FUNERAL!!!!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHH I CAN'T WAIT FOR MY FUNERAL!!!!!!! THERE'S GOING TO BE KARAOKE AND SOMEONE TO STRAIGHTEN EVERYBODY'S HAIR!!!!!!!!!! IT'S GOING TO BE LIKE A WEDDING BUT FOR A DEAD PERSON!!!!!!!!!!!

4. CORN -- I THINK I DISCOVERED A NEW ELEMENT TO THE CORN CONSPIRACY!!!!!!!!!! I HAVEN'T PUT IT ALL TOGETHER YET BUT SO FAR IT INVOLVES HORSERADISH THE TALIBAN AND THE LEADERS OF SEVERAL COUNTRIES THAT MAY NOT EVEN EXIST!!!!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHH IT GOES ALL THE WAY TO THE TOP!!!!!!!!!!

5. ALEX FERGUSON TRYING TO BAN REPORTERS -- RYAN GIGGS RYAN GIGGS RYAN GIGGS RYAN GIGGS RYAN GIGGS RYAN GIGGS RYAN GIGGS RYAN GIGGS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! COME AND GET ME FERGUSON!!!!!!!!!!!! COME AND GET ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

6. BECKHAM STOPPING A PITCH INVADER -- THIS IS NOT HOW I WOULD HAVE DONE IT!!!!!!!!!!! HE DIDN'T EVEN REACH INTO THE KID'S CHEST TO TRY AND PULL OUT HIS PANCREAS IN ORDER TO TEACH HIM A LESSON ABOUT RESPECT!!!!!!!!!! AND PANCREASES!!!!!!!!!!

7. HELSINGBORG GOALKEEPER HIT BY A PITCH INVADER -- I WOULD SAY THAT THIS IS WHY YOU HAVE TO TEACH PITCH INVADERS A LESSON BUT THIS IS PRETTY MUCH MY DREAM!!!!!!!!!! HE WAS FIRST DISORIENTED BY A FIRECRACKER AND THEN HE WAS HIT IN THE HEAD!!!!!!!!!! WHY DOESN'T THIS KIND OF THING HAPPEN TO ME!?!??!!??!!??!?!?!?

8. MANCHESTER UNITED PLAYERS IN THE TURKISH AIRLINES FLIGHT SAFETY VIDEO -- ONE TIME I MADE A FLIGHT SAFETY VIDEO!!!!!!! IT ENDED WITH ME DRIVING AN ALITALIA PLANE INTO THE SIDE OF THE AIRPORT AND EVERYONE GETTING UPSET WITH ME AND THEN ME TELLING THEM THAT I THOUGHT WE WERE FILMING A MICHAEL BAY MOVIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

9. MY IDIOT NEIGHBOR DAN WYKOWSKI -- SO I WAS DRINKING PAINT THINNER MIXED WITH CRANBERRY JUICE SO I COULD GET DRUNK AND MAKE MY URINE MORE ACIDIC AT THE SAME TIME WHEN MY IDIOT NEIGHBOR DAN WYKOWSKI CAME OVER AND INVITED ME TO WATCH THE CHAMPIONS LEAGUE FINAL WITH HIM AND HIS GOOBER KIDS!!!!!!!!!!! HE ASKED IF I ALREADY HAD PLANS AND I SAID "OF COURSE NOT!!!!!!!!" BUT I SAID IT IN A WAY SO HE WOULD KNOW THAT IF I DID I WOULD HAVE ROUNDHOUSE KICKED HIM IN THE HEAD ALREADY!!!!!!!!!! HE SAID "GREAT" AND THEN TOLD ME HE WOULD SEE ME ON SATURDAY!!!!!!!!!!! I TOLD HIM THAT I COULDN'T WAIT EVEN THOUGH I COULD WAIT!!!!!!!! FOREVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH I DON'T CARE WHO WINS THE MATCH I JUST HOPE DAN'S GOOBER KIDS DON'T TELL ME THAT THEY LOVE ME AGAIN!!!!!!!!!!!!

I AM ARTUR BORUC AND THIS HAS BEEN MY RAGE LIST. SEE YOU NEXT WEEK! GOD BLESS!!!!!!

Photo: Violachannel.tv

Diane Kruger Magdalena Wróbel Connie Nielsen Melissa George Cameron Richardson