I'm Bert Tiddle and you've never heard of me. In 1990 I told Alan Shearer that the only chance he had at ending his career with more goals than me would be if he started playing in a league for disabled zoo creatures. And then I laughed. Of course, this was before Shearer started collecting goals like used prophlylactics and my career was prematurely ended by a freak vending machine accident that cost me my big toe, but luckily the next time I saw Shearer he couldn't even remember my name, let alone what I said. Alan Shearer is a forgetful numpty.
I have to say I like this Marlon Balotelli kid. He reminds me a lot of myself at his age. Talented, popular, hated by men and loved by women. Flatulence, one of my 18 kids, just laughed when I said that last part out loud, so I'll be stomping on his Playstation later.
Back to this Balotelli person -- I was watching television and baking my special Tiddle Christmas fruitcake with a secret ingredient that I'm not going to reveal because of certain legal ramifications when I heard what he said about how only Leonard Messi is better than him and how he doesn't know who Jim Wilshere is. And I totally agree with him. Who is Jim Wilshere? Sounds like a plumber with a foot fetish to me.
The other thing this Balotelli does right is the way he gives his manager a lot of guff and never just goes with the flow. That's how I was my whole career. Talk to any of my former managers and they'll probably have a stroke just from thinking about me. That's how you know you've left your mark as a footballer. Anyone can score goals and be agreeable and easy to get on with. There's nothing in that.
Take it from me -- this Balotelli is well on his way to being a hero like old Bert. Just so long as he keeps his toes out of them vending machines and limits himself to nine or 10 kids. I'm going to send insulting Christmas cards to strangers.
Cindy Crawford Mariah OBrien Uma Thurman Alice Dodd Kate Walsh
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